Lifestyle

Before he died, famed moviemaker Stanley Kubrick wanted to make a porno but instead, he made the movie Eyes Wide Shut, which Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman starred in together. In the story, poor Tom was overcome by jealousy as his wife recounted in a marijuana induced haze how she wanted a man in his naval uniform to give her a right good seeing to.  

After this, our hero Tom has an adventure that most of us can only dream of, involving going to a costume hire shop where the owner’s daughter gets caught out with a couple of Asian businessmen, a close encounter with a street walker and finally a party in a mansion that would make a Kew swingers party regular eyes water.

“When I saw the movie it really opened my eyes to how the other half lives. When I have a party I usually go to the local Woolies and get a packet of corn chips and salsa dip but these guys really went to town! You needed to have a password just to get in and there was a massive gate at the front with security. Once you got through the gate there was a flash limo that drove you up to the front door. Then inside that’s when the action started, you had to put on a mask and there was loads of hot babes doing pagan rituals who got paired off with rich businessman types. It was fab!” explained a passerby.

So what has this got to do with Camberwell? “Well it was this massive gate here! If you put two blokes in suits and overcoats out the front asking for the password ‘Fidelio’ it would have been like a scene from the movie.”

There are times when Camberwell is unfairly misconstrued as a suburb where not much really happens but with a rampant imagination anything is possible.

 

Overeating, overspending and lack of exercise has left many of the residents of Camberwell with a feeling of guilt and shame, as they look at their exploding waistlines brought on by eating copious amounts of whatever food came to hand and drinking themselves into a stupor with horrifying regularity.

The bloat has also affected the writers at The Camberwellian with many of them unwilling to write articles and preferring to watch terrible holiday movies such as Bad Santa and The Grinch Word counts in articles which before on average were hitting around the 250 mark are now struggling to reach 50 words.

There is a risk that “Holiday Bloat” could carry over to the new year with many employees unwilling to join the workforce once more and do their bit to help the economy.  This is scaring bosses not just in Camberwell but also around the world, with the shocking realisation that most people would rather be sitting on their asses doing nothing than working for them. Whatsmore the medical fraternity have noticed an increase in a new condition – “Netflixitis” – which literally sucks your will to live and do anything of worth to society.

On the other hand, banks are rubbing their hands with glee as the credit cards used by the general populous soon have to be paid back – with interest – leading to massive profits in about three months time. This fantastic ruse works every year despite everyone knowing about it.

Getting into the Christmas spirit, Camberwell’s powers that be have tried to create a festive atmosphere to attract customers to the main shopping precinct.

However, the “White Christmas” motif that adorns one of the paths between Burke Rd and the massive car park behind all the shops has brought mixed reviews from Camberwellians.

“It’s cheap and nasty!” said Daisy, whose expectations were possibly a little too high as the previous night she went into the city and saw a dazzling video display on the front of a building. Many tourists recorded the action on their phones as apparently, they were not happy with the 3D version of the display using their own actual eyes.

Other shoppers are happy with the decorations, ” When you look at one it sucks, but when you look at all them as a whole I guess it looks ok,” explained Harold. ” You can’t blame people for trying, I saw some tinsel on a police car at Camberwell police station which will make criminals feel a little happier that they aren’t being left out of the celebrations.”

As finding the perfect gift now reaches fever pitch, Camberwell’s “White Christmas” alley is a reminder to every shopper that walks through it that now is their chance to make someone’s dreams come true or risk the unique lack of respect that comes when buying someone you love a really crap present.

With Christmas fast approaching there will be an increase in the amount of activities related  to the holiday season. Many of these are recognised health dangers such as binge eating, booze overload, crook neck from sleeping on relative’s couches, high blood pressure from obligatory conversations with unpleasant relatives and “credit card finger” – a repetitive strain injury caused by handing over your credit card too much.

Most of these ailments can be avoided through a common sense approach that most people have yet to acquire during the silly season, but now local residents will also have to contend with another health issue; do-good amateur warblers who insist on singing Christmas carols in public places.

Such an event took place recently in the vicinity of the Civic Centre with the result being a full-on assault of the auditory system that led to the earache of inhabitants in the surrounding area. As well as this, there was a fair amount of polite smiling and people quickly changing plans and walking in the opposite direction.  

“Look for tell-tale signs such as largish groups of pensioners or children often with buckets in front of them with an over-accentuated opening of the mouths,” explained Dr. Tony Deff an ear surgeon that has followed in the footsteps of Fred Hollows and dedicated his life to helping people with damaged ear drums.

“After my latest research, I’ve found that listening to Christmas Carol singing can cause irreparable damage to hearing but also involuntary cringing and awaken traumatic memories of dry turkey and overcooked Brussel sprouts covered in lumpy gravy.”

To avoid these issues Dr. Deff’s advice is simple, “ Just the same as protecting yourself from the Sun, any Christmas Carol exposure is detrimental. They are all bad – just one line of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer can affect a child long into adulthood.”

Feeling frustrated by only having two supermarkets? Citizens of Camberwell will soon have a third supermarket to choose from – Aldi.

In a risky move, Aldi is banking that local citizenry will put aside their middle-class status and save money at a supermarket which is often frequented by bottom-feeders.

An Aldi spokesperson explained, “We are a budget supermarket but the middle-class is being squeezed at the moment and the temptation of a cheaper shopping bill, even though it means a colossal drop in social status, will prove too much.”

But is it possible for people, who have spent their whole life trying to keep up with the Joneses, to cope when a friend uses their rubbish bin and asks why they are using Aldi shopping bags as bin liners?

“Obviously this is an ethical conundrum that many Camberwellians will have to search deep inside to find the answer for. Some people strive for the respect of their peers and that means being seen in Woolworths or if they really want to portray a lifestyle similar to The Real Housewives of Melbourne -The Tasmanian Grocers,” says revered anthropologist Dr. Pyne.

“Long-term residents are also afraid that Aldi will encourage undesirables into the locale and instead of driving home to their part of the city, nip into Camberwell and do a bit of shopping – completely lowering the tone of the entire area,” adds Dr. Pyne.

Drastic changes are afoot in Camberwell’s foodstuff landscape and only time will tell who comes out on top in this titanic, cut-throat, “winner take all” battle for ultimate supermarket supremacy.

For years the act of old men pulling up their pants so high that they were in line with their belly button was a source of ridicule and amusement to the general public. However, the elderly statesmen of Camberwell are taking control of their destiny and making the look their own in much the same way as African-Americans use the “N word”.

They are aware an important step in this look gaining acceptance with the wider community is by giving it a name that doesn’t have negative connotations such as “Grandad’s trousers” or “The testicle splitter” – preferring to call it “The lift”.  

Historically employed by portly gentlemen as a tactic to cover up beer bellies or general rotundness caused by unhealthy traditional diets such as roast dinners and fish and chips to name a few, the realisation it doesn’t work has not stopped the trend.

In an exciting development “The lift” is now diversifying. As the weather gets warmer, aged trendsetters are applying it to a visually striking T-shirt, shorts and socks ensemble.  The exposure of varicose veined leg flesh is leaving an indelible imprint on the high street and is challenging fashion experts long held ideas about what is and is not acceptable.

Vogue editor Anna Wintour has jumped headlong into the debate and is surprising the fashion community with her opinions about something that has been frowned upon for so long, “This is what fashion is all about, challenging  the status quo and showing your uniqueness. Only the individual should decide the correct height to tighten your belt.”

In a surprising confession, the mayor of New York Bill de Blasio has suggested that it should become more like Camberwell.

“I know it sounds strange but when I saw Camberwell playing around on my Google Maps I thought that the design of Camberwell Junction would be an improvement on what we have in Times Square.  I’m horribly jealous of everything that Camberwell has to offer. Often people think that New York is one of the great cities of the world but it is the quaint middle-class pleasures of Camberwell that I think New York should be aspiring to. I have been on a fact-finding mission and my sources tell me that Camberwell is on the cutting edge of culinary pleasures, recently there has been an upgrade of the Mexican restaurant on Burke Rd and they even put their food in some funky new bowls now!”

In a strange coincidence, word has got to the mayor that Camberwell is thinking of modelling 6 headed monster junction on the New York model, surprising Mayor de Blasio, “This Is preposterous! Camberwell has so much going for it – it would be silly to try and be like us. First of all, you do not have the population to make it as dirty, smelly and tourist infested”.

Not to be discouraged, largely unknown designer Nathan Alexander has suggested that to make his dream a reality would not be so difficult considering the close proximity of China and Indonesia.

“I have been in close consultation with various government departments and if I have my way we can get lots of immigrants packed into Camberwell in absolutely no time at all. It is true that I have heard some grumblings of discontent about Asians buying property in this area but if I bring in thousands to make Camberwell Time Square there is no doubt that with all the neon and hot dog stands, locals will see all the benefits”.

Not all residents remain convinced changes would improve the area.  “I like Americans,” says Harry, “and I’ve got no problem with the Chinese or the Indonesians but I don’t want to see hot dog stands all over Camberwell. I’m also worried that if Camberwell becomes a popular tourist destination it will open itself up to terrorist attacks, there are many places in Camberwell that probably do need to be blown up if I’m being totally honest but this should be done legitimately by experts”.

Deakin University has used the amazing new Roomba vacuum cleaner robot in a study to see how it impacts on the lives of married couples.

“We gave 200 couples a Roomba vacuum cleaner robot and carefully monitored the behaviour of each couple with 24-hour surveillance to see if the device could achieve marital harmony better than going to therapy, meditation and the various activities couples use to cope with the stresses and strains of co-habitation,” said Professor Ogilvy.

The groundbreaking study shows the gadget reduces arguments about who should do household chores but introduces other issues that increase tension.

“What we discovered is some men try to use Roomba for activities it’s not designed for such cleaning the bath, shower and in the most extreme case a toilet – causing an electrical shortage. The ensuing arguments over a lack of intelligence and who will pay for the damage empirically proves the device does not always assist married couples.”

Roomba’s low profile can also lead to unforeseen accidents when people return home drunk, stepping on the device twisting ankles and leading to the use of profane language.  

The Green Party has weighed into the debate about the long-term benefits of Roomba saying that there are other ways of cleaning floors that don’t waste electricity, such as Baby-mop – a specially designed suit with dusters on the bottom that uses the neverending energy of babies to buff hard floors. The Greens say when a solar powered vacuum is added to Baby-Mop it will reduce the amount of carbon being put into the atmosphere by millions of tonnes as well as being an amusing sideshow to entertain guests at parties.  

 

An ingenious new development – Supa-Bungee – has arrived in Camberwell bringing much needed light relief from the everyday humdrum. 

“It was my idea actually,” says Bruce a construction worker, “I could see couples walking around like the life-force was draining out of them so I thought why not put this crane to good use and bring some much-needed thrills back into their life.”

What sets Supa-Bungee apart is it doesn’t actually have a bungee rope; an exciting innovation that brings a whole new dimension to the adrenalin sport. “ What you do is climb to the top of the crane and then just jump off. It’s such an amazing rush! Not only do you not know if you’re going to survive, you get the added bonus of not knowing if your health insurance will cover it,” explains Bruce.

So far locals have been unwilling to try the new attraction but Bruce is sure it’s only a matter of time before someone takes the plunge.

 

A traveller looking for an alternative to the central city is staying in Camberwell because of it’s wonderful shopping and convenient transport links. “Why would I pay a fortune in the city when I can stay here in my own place and literally have everything on my doorstep,” said Bjorn a Swedish backpacker who regularly uses Airbnb.

Recently the website has been receiving some bad press due to some unsavoury characters taking advantage of guests.

“When I saw the picture on the website I was a little sceptical at first, then I thought why am I being so close-minded? People lived like this for thousands of years and my host Jan has been amazing! She even gave me a blanket. I thought I’d miss having the internet but what I’ve found is that with the street light I can even read a magazine.”

What about washing facilities? “There are so many here so long as keep your eyes peeled. ‘Old Scotch’ football field has a public toilet and I even went into their club rooms and used their gym, you’d pay a fortune for that in a hotel.”

Bjorn says the arrangement is perfect for his needs except in affairs of the heart, “I met a woman at the Palace called Brenda. Usually I’m not interested in the pokies but with Brenda’s careful guidance we developed a close attachment. Unfortunately when she came back to my place she showed me a side to her character that wasn’t apparent when she was putting coins into a slot, immediately calling an Uber and leaving me to doubt my manhood.”

Despite this setback Bjorn encourages anyone travelling to Melbourne to experience the rustic pleasures of Camberwell’s latest budget accommodation.

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