News

By showing off a multitude of silverware in their window,  a local dance school has made a Camberwell native confront his fears about dancing, despite serious misgivings caused by a tragic past.

“Before I just thought it was something you saw in the movies like Strictly Ballroom, Shall We Dance? And that latest twaddle La La Land…but when I saw those big trophies I realised that we have a prize winning dance school right here in Camberwell. I wouldn’t mind giving it a go but I’m afraid I’ll make a complete arse of myself in front of total strangers,” explained Herbert.

Herbert is not alone. Many people with the grace and rhythm of someone shot with a tranquilizer dart have the same concerns.

“It all stems from this school dance we had at my school in 70’s. There was this girl I liked and when I asked her to dance she kind of screwed up her face the same as when you’re constipated, so I was already nervous. Anyway, at my school, we had to do traditional dancing like waltzing and I was only used to rocking out with a bit of Kiss and T-Rex in my bedroom.  It was a disaster! I kept standing on her toes and being out of step. Also, I could see my mates laughing at me from the side. It was so humiliating.”

Herbert’s experience is not unusual for middle-aged males. Painful experiences from their youth and a lifetime of sitting on couches watching footy have distanced them from the possibilities of moving their bodies to music. Despite this, Herbert assures The Camberwellian he will definitely have a think about going into the studio and asking about prices.

After Coles bombardment during the Big Bash League with Merv Hughes at a BBQ espousing the merits of their cheap sausages in between a slice of bread – “Some call it the great Aussie Taco” – Market Meats are fighting fire with fire.

Without the budget to hire a household name of the ilk of Big Merv, Markets Meats are using a more traditional approach attracting customers with a signboard reminiscent of Joseph’s technicolor dream coat.

Designed to catch the eye and strategically placed near the doorway of Camberwell Market where a “bbq technician” diligently plies their trade, the irresistible smell wafts near the sign and lures in innocent victims that had no intention of eating a sausage, putting parent’s healthy lunch plans at extreme risk.

“I just came in to get Robert a pair of shoes. Once he saw the sign and got a whiff he just went off! whining and moaning …it wasn’t long before I caved in and when I saw them sizzling away there I thought screw the new year’s resolution and bought one for myself too,” confessed Martha.

Despite Martha’s concerns Market Meats advertising campaign shows no sign of abating.

 

After extensive research on the internet to find the best places in Melbourne to see celebrities, a person with nothing better to do with their life came across the website Boroondara Life which recommended that Camberwell was a good place for celebrity spotting.

“No it’s not! It really sucks! When I read that Camberwell was the home of Geoffrey Rush, The Minogue sisters, Barry Humphries  and Jeff Kennett I thought ‘Wowzers!’ I can’t afford to go to that place in Hollywood where they have the stars on the footpath but I definitely can top up my Myki and catch a tram.  Well, I’ve been making that journey for 6 months now hanging out at all the places that I would expect to see a celeb…Red Robyn, Pilates studios, Woolworths carpark and nothing!  I have a strong mind to contact Boroondara Life and give them a piece of my mind!

Boroondara Life was not available for comment but strong anecdotal evidence from locals suggest that it would be extremely unlikely to see the Minogue sisters in Camberwell anytime in the near future.

“Yeah I think Kylie kind of prefers England now, I’m not really sure where Dannii hangs out but I haven’t seen her at the Palace for ages.  Sometimes you can see Geoffrey Rush when he’s not wearing a disguise, buying bread rolls from Woolies.  I saw Jeff Kennett getting a haircut the other day… that was really exciting!”

Suffice to say that despite the many positive features of Camberwell, spotting A- list celebrities is probably a time wasting venture that will lead to huge disappointment.

Flying in the face of the belief that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, terrible haircuts influence the general public’s opinion long before a sentence is passed.

“An average member of the public makes up their mind about you in 5 seconds. This is more likely to be negative if you have a shocking haircut and are being accused of a crime with a big sensationalist headline to go along with it,” explains Prof. B. Lowehard from Deakin University’s C.S.I unit.

“If we look at Phil Spector’s style people immediately have a natural bias due to him looking extremely dodgy.”

The study has shown that this first impression is extremely misleading as people having very conservative hairstyles are more than capable of anti-social activity.

Given a picture of well-known people in Australian society people in the study were asked to say what type of person they thought they were.  One child thought Malcolm Turnbull was a “meanie” and “would give bad Christmas presents” while another felt Pauline Hanson was “scary”. When shown a picture of Bill Shorten with his wife, many people had a quizzical “How did he get her?” look on their faces.

 

Summer is here and as the mercury rises people are going to swimming pools to cool down. However, what at first seemed like a good idea has had disastrous consequences for a middle-aged native male of Camberwell as he ventured to the Hawthorn Aquatic Centre.

Woefully unprepared to expose his body to the general public after six months of no sunlight and an exercise regime that entailed of sedate walks to the tram stop and weekly visits to the supermarket, the man, who insists on remaining nameless, saw a multitude of body beautifuls and wanted to leave the establishment in haste.

“I can’t describe the feeling of self-loathing that swept over me, especially when a perfectly formed adonis type walked along the side of the pool in his speedos and then sat next to his gorgeous girlfriend. A split second later I happened to turn and I saw a full-length reflection of myself in the mirror.”

Despite the painful reality of how his body compares to others, the man realises that he only has himself to blame, “Society is constantly reminding me that I need to be more attractive, but I flew in face of those warnings and let myself go.”

Indeed, in Camberwell there are numerous pilates studios, a spinning studio, the 24/7 gym (and that other one in The Well ) and even places that give consultations for plastic surgery. There are absolutely no excuses for having a normal body with all the facilities available for physical perfection. Thankfully, the disgusting individual has vowed to never take off his shirt in public again.   

The year 2016 is to be charged for the mass murder of over 80 much-loved celebrities … and also Pete Burns. 2016 has sparked outrage amongst social media users with @raceysusan dubbing it, “The worst year ever…famous peeps [sic] are dying and I failed history…my granny used to go on about a war…dis [sic] must be worst. [sic]” An online petition has gathered over 40 million votes to prosecute 2016 and then authorities had no other option than to follow through.

An online petition has gathered over 40 million votes to prosecute 2016 and then authorities had no other option than to follow through. It was Facebook user John Johnston who started it when the very old and very sick entertainer Gene Wilder passed away. Johnston states, “When R2D2 and Mr. Fuji died, I thought that this is getting ridiculous but I suppose the straw that broke the camel’s back was when 2016 killed Willy Wonka! I’m not having that!”

Mr. Johnston, a well-known conspiracy theorist who is friends with Jim Corr on the popular platform, also argued, “2016 is a communist, the world is changing man. It murdered Willy Wonka and now an Oompa Loompa has stepped up and runs the world!”

The defence team for 2016 argued that many of those that died this year were in their 80’s but one prosecutor, Sally Ann Annson refuted with, “Well, my grandpa lived until he was 93 so I’m not having that!”

2016 has refused to comment but it is understood that it is trying to keep a low profile until the end of the year.

In a despicable oversight, the powers that be in our humble shire have let the glory of the Camberwell Civic Centre sign go to seed.

As the summer arrives, the plants around the sign have run amok and if not tended to soon threaten to cover the sign completely. Camberwellians know that left uncorrected it won’t be long before this once proud suburb will quickly be on the slippery slope of headlining 7 News with stories of gangs taking over.

The leader of the Apex gang has already made his intentions clear that Camberwell is a possible candidate for an expansion move.

“That’s right playas, once they let the sign go you know they vulnerable. We’re looking into it. Man…F*** Camberwell!” the young larrikin explained in threatening tones.

The local constabulary are taking the remarks seriously and have warned new Boroondara Mayor Phillip Healey to take immediate action or suffer dire consequences. BurkeMan the local superhero has also come out from a brief hiatus and given his two cents worth, “ I don’t care what it takes, even if it requires a geriatric volunteer with a pair of scissors… just clean up that sign Godammit! This is Camberwell we’re talking about!”

New Mayor Healey declined to comment on the fiasco in the first real test of his leadership since taking over the reigns from former Grand Poobah Jim Parke who has been demoted to mini-poobah.

In joyous news for the entire population of the world, renowned Deakin University has confirmed what many people suspected – stuffing yourself with chocolate is perfectly fine and helps with athletic performance.

Before it was believed that only eating dark chocolate was beneficial but Deakin has confirmed that everything is ok. Huge bars of dairy milk, white chocolate, Chokitos…you name it, the endorphin lift of being able to eat whatever you want and not worry that it is harmful to your health enables you to take yourself to the next level.

“It was quite surprising when the final results came through,” explained Professor Timothy Blowen, “the nitric oxide bioflavinoid anti-oxidental rudimentalis dipthong hottentot levels in all levels chocolate are off the charts. Nobody could have foreseen this medical miracle, it is akin to Donald Trump’s election victory.”

Celebratory parties have sprung up all over the Western world as people now have the green light to indulge in chocolate binge eating of the highest order, knowing that it will have absolutely no impact on their health and will help with their workout regimen. All of this thanks to Deakin University’s groundbreaking study.

While walking along Burke Road a myriad of advertisements claim to be the elixir of youth in the form of moisturising creams, enticing the matrons of Camberwell who are regulars along the shopping strip.

With crevices deeper than the Grand Canyon caused by an Aussie lifestyle before “Slip, Slop Slap” adverts, drinking beer and eating carcinogenic sausages, they seem oblivious to the fact it is scientifically impossible for any moisturizing cream to perform a miracle on a par with the second coming. However, that doesn’t stop hundreds trying.

“I did it!  I admit it!  I wanted to look younger and when I saw the before and after photos I truly believed that it would work.  I spent over $100 on a little pot of cream that said it would make me look younger within 10 days… well it’s been 20 now and I can’t see any difference!” cried a geriatric Camberwell matron.

The false advertising is causing misery and using up valuable economic resources that could used on Spanx and prune juice; two products that have been proven to make a positive impact on this particular demographic.

A poster in a local car park is luring in males to entertainment that is not in keeping with the high standards demanded of the citizens Camberwell.

“Schnitzel ’n’ Tits” is something you would expect to be attended by viewers of the Footy Show but is making local men curious and challenging their morality as they ask themselves questions such as, “I wonder what that’s like” and “I know I shouldn’t be interested but actually I really want to go.”

The disgusting institution whose website states, “Our sultry, sexy performers and babelicious barmaids will have you licking your lips, as will the schnitzels!” is located in central Melbourne and offers an depraved array of entertainment that you would expect from it’s name.

However, it rates very highly in its online reviews as punters shower accolades on the music and unfettered physical assets of the female employees.

“The perfect night out with the boys! 5 stars to the topless waitresses!” glows one customer, whose idea of a good night is probably not snuggling under a doona with his loved one for a Grey’s Anatomy marathon.  

Sign In

Reset Your Password

Email Newsletter