Opinion

Hey Camberwellians, I’m Rufus the guide dog!

I’m so pleased the Japanese have invented this amazing device – the Bow-lingual – which can be put around my neck to interpret my barks into English and is then transcribed by Madam T. Widdles, the ex- dominatrix that now writes for The Camberwellian. Now I can share my thoughts, feelings and also get a couple of things about you humans off my furry chest.

Well, time waits for no dog! Gotta run! Please read on…

Gosh it’s getting crazy in Camberwell there is so much going on, what with all the building of Camberwell Central and Christmas.

Everyday, when I go for a walk with Mein Fuhrer I see these men in funny yellow hard hats and lollipop signs directing traffic. They don’t look very interested in what they are doing to be totally honest. I saw one of them looking at his phone and because of my acute sense of hearing, I heard him talking to his mate about his racing tips for Bet365.  Lots of cars were waiting to be let through and I could see they weren’t very happy! One woman driver was getting red in the face and seemed to be saying some naughty words to her children in the back seat.

Of course, with it being Christmas time there are added pressures on the people that I see when I’m walking around town. I guess that is because of having to buy presents and knowing that after three months, credit card companies will be calling in their debts and there will be the possibility of having to declare personal bankruptcy.

You humans are so stupid! Why do you insist on buying more than you can afford at this time of year. I see it every Christmas with Mein Fuhrer and his family – lots of arguments over who is going to pay for the Turkey and stressing out who will look after Uncle Derek when he comes over from Queensland. I’ll admit he is a bit of a handful – you’re trying to have a nice family get together but as soon as he gets a skinful of Bundaberg rum he starts ranting about how much he loves Pauline Hanson and saying nasty things about different ethnic minorities.

The pressure from this time of year spills out into the shops too. I saw this man and woman really going at it in a queue in Target. I started barking to try and break it up but it didn’t make any difference so I considered biting one of them on the leg before Mein Fuhrer pulled me away. They seemed to calm down but when the woman was leaving I heard her whisper “F****** a******!” as she walked past him.

I wonder if Jesus would have said that in the same situation. Well gotta run! Rufus

 

Hey Camberwellians, I’m Rufus the guide dog!

I’m so pleased the Japanese have invented this amazing device – the Bow-lingual – which can be put around my neck to interpret my barks into English and is then transcribed by Madam T. Widdles, the ex- dominatrix that now writes for The Camberwellian. Now I can share my thoughts, feelings and also get a couple of things about you humans off my furry chest.

Well, time waits for no dog! Gotta run! Please read on…

What an incredible time in history… Donald Trump getting voted in! I didn’t see that coming! But I wish I had because every time I walked past the TAB the odds for Trump winning were 4/1.  If Mein Fuhrer had put his measly life savings on those odds we would have been rolling in it!

I for one would like to have my dinner bowl replaced! The tight bastard hasn’t bought me a new one since he first got me and considering all the hours of free work he gets out of me you’d think he’d show some appreciation. Every once in awhile, I’d like to eat something different than those horrible cardboard biscuits that are shaped like little bones for my dinner. How about splashing out and giving me some steak so that I have something nice to really chew on!

I have to say I felt really sorry for Hillary Clinton… the last time she got blindsided like that was when Bill decided to get kinky with that intern and his cigar.  Of course, there was that other time when Barack Obama snuck up behind her and took what was rightfully hers.  I know how you feel Hillary, there’s so many times I’m at the park and I spot some nice little b**** that I would like to fulfil my life purpose with but because I had my manhood cruelly taken away by Mein Fuhrer I will never know what it feels like to parent my own babies.

I shouldn’t feel too sorry for myself, I could have been born a Chihuahua. I saw one stuffed in a handbag of a Camberwell matron yesterday and my heart went out to him. Just looking at his eyes it was as if it was saying, “What did I do to deserve this… I’m a eunuch!”

There’s always someone worse off than yourself. I always count my blessings that I live in Camberwell and not Burwood! Just like that poor Chihuahua, that would be a fate worse than death!

Gotta run humans! Rufus

Hey Camberwellians, I’m Rufus the guide dog!

I’m so pleased the Japanese have invented this amazing device – the Bow-lingual – which can be put around my neck to interpret my barks into English and is then transcribed by Madam T. Widdles, the ex- dominatrix that now writes for The Camberwellian. Now I can share my thoughts, feelings and also get a couple of things about you humans off my furry chest.

Well, time waits for no dog! Gotta run! Please read on…

Recently my owner has put a sign on my back that says ” PLEASE DON’T PAT ME, I’M WORKING”

And it REALLY F***S ME OFF!

He’s just jealous of all the attention I get from women patting me on the head telling me how gorgeous I am! Now I can’t interact with my fans anymore as I’m walking Mein Fuhrer around The Well. The other day I got so angry I “accidentally on purpose” walked the prick into a puddle.

TBH this job is rather tedious but I didn’t have much of a choice did I?  When I was a pup I was given a series of tests to see if I was suitable for this type of work.  If I’d known that remaining calm when I heard loud sounds meant a life of working my ass off I would have gone ballistic!

I was horribly deceived,  now here I am in forced servitude like Kunta Kinte while other dogs laze around home all day eating Chum and doing bugger all.  I’m suffering from depression but there is no special helpline for guide dogs so now with this amazing technology I’m hoping there is a psychologist out there reading this who can help me as I try and move into a different career.

It really pisses me off that everyone thinks my job is easy! Other dogs refuse to sniff my backside because I get into places they can’t, like restaurants. What they don’t understand is it’s torture!  Even though Mein Fuhrer knows I have a well-developed sense of smell, he just sits and eats in front of me and doesn’t even sneak me a tit-bit under the table.

I can see some of the other people in the restaurant want to give me some of their leftovers  but they are afraid to in case it upsets my owner because of the stupid sign I have on my back. “ Oh look at that poor blind man over there…”  F*** him! What about me!

Hey Camberwellians, I’m Rufus the guide dog!

I’m so pleased the Japanese have invented this amazing device – the Bow-lingual – which can be put around my neck to interpret my barks into English and is then transcribed by Madam T. Widdles, the ex- dominatrix that now writes for The Camberwellian. Now I can share my thoughts, feelings and also get a couple of things about you humans off my furry chest.

Well, time waits for no dog! Gotta run! Please read on…

The other day I was walking Mein Fuhrer again on another exhausting errand to help him onto  a train but when we got on nobody got up to give us a disabled seat. LOL obviously they can see what a bastard he is!  It was ok for me because I can lie down anywhere and but he was moaning and groaning nearly as much as the pregnant woman that was using the seat.

I enjoyed the Olympics but you humans are strange with all your weird exercises just to get a round gold disc put around your neck. People get so emotional and are crying nearly as much as the Brazilians will be when their economy crashes from paying back all the money from the football World Cup and Olympics. I’m sure Christ the Redeemer will have the position of his hands moved to the begging position after all these shenanigans.

Speaking of shenanigans, some of the Australian Olympic team weren’t very good ambassadors for their country. Naughty! Naughty! What if I went around getting drunk, falling asleep on beaches and sneaking into events that I wasn’t invited to? When you are in the public eye you have to control yourself – so many times I have wanted to bite Mein Fuhrer’s leg or some little brat crying but I know I am representing all guide dogs.

I was none to impressed with the Russians being allowed to compete in the Olympics with their doping program. Luckily I’m here in Australia where those problems are non-existent… Oh sorry I forgot, Essendon drugged their players up to the eyeballs but that’s different – at least those players got banned for a year.

I know a thing or two about taking drugs – Mein Fuhrer gave me a worming tablet the other day, I wouldn’t have minded so much except it gave me the runs! Well as you humans love to say “Too much information!”.  And with that, I’d better go. Rufus

Sign In

Reset Your Password

Email Newsletter