Shitty Behaviour

A local canine has explained his annoyance at being treated like he is in the movie Fifty Shades of Grey.

“Woof woof woof woof…..woof grrrrrr woof!”

Now thanks to the amazing invention of the Bow-lingual a new-fangled gadget from Japan which translates barks into English, we can understand what he is saying.

“Every day she puts me on a leash and then walks me around… it’s like a scene from Fifty Shades, but in reverse cos in the movie it was that bloke Christian who was dishing out all the spankings. Listen, I get it if you’re into that type of thing… but do you have to use me to re-enact your fantasies?  It’s awful! People are looking at me like I’m into kink and BDSM.  Surely this is something that could be done in the privacy of a ‘play room’, not displayed to everyone in Camberwell.”

All through Camberwell dogs are suffering in silence as their masters display their dominance, insisting they wear a collar and then walking them around on a leash. To add insult, they are often tied to posts and suffer the indignation of locals patting them on the head further emphasising they are no better than a lowly worm.

“It’s not just the leash, it’s how she talks to me… ‘Come here! Sit!’… this is not what I want in a relationship,” explained the dog who hopes that by his going public, it will help not just himself but his four-legged friends everywhere and end this abhorrent practice.


Google and Ticketek have combined to send a local on a wild goose chase that has left him distraught, tired and losing faith in mankind.

Having booked two tickets for the Australian Open, when he received his so-called “Ezy ticket”  via e-mail, he realised that both tickets had the same barcode.  Worried that this might cause problems at the event, he went on Google and was overjoyed to see there was a Ticketek office right here in Camberwell to resolve the issue.

It was a beautiful day outside, the birds were singing and the local was happy in the knowledge that Google had supplied him with the correct information to go to 340 Camberwell Rd 3124 and fix up his stupid “Ezy ticket” that was so far not living up to its name.

Imagine the surprise and steam-emitting-from-ears anger of the Camberwellian when he arrived at the address to realise it was not a Ticketek office but the local library and to be told at the information desk that Google had been informed two years earlier of the mistake.

The furious local went home, tried to ring Ticketek and unsurprisingly was met with a recorded message that informed him he’d have to wait for bloody ages to speak to a real person. He gave up, and sure enough did have problems with his tickets at the Australian Open adding to his ire and general bad mood towards Google and Ticketek that he will hold against them until his grave.

Showing utter contempt for workplace protocol, the “Bix-Bandit” a criminal bereft of moral conscience, is stealing a colleague’s Weet-bix at an alarming rate.  As a last resort, a note has been put on the owner’s box to prevent an escalation that could lead to violent conflict. So upsetting was the crime, it also affected the victim’s ability to spell Weet-bix correctly, instead writing Weeta-bix.  

“How am I supposed to trust again? Everyone I work with is a suspect. Not only am I at risk of going hungry but it’s affecting my relationships and my ability to function at work,” explained the victim, who has insisted The Camberwellian keep his identity a secret.  

As people become more educated about the importance of a nutritious breakfast, millions of people have taken steps to ensure they get a good start to the day.  Unable to eat at home due to lack of time brought on the by the invention of the alarm clock “snooze” button, the bleary-eyed multitude have put on their thinking caps and started leaving food at work.

However, the “Bix-Bandit” has put this positive trend at risk, with a combination of stealth and a wanton disregard for cordial work relations.  

A vicious catfight woke a multitude of hard-working Camberwellians that had to go to work the next day and contribute to the betterment of Australia through their taxes and paying for overpriced coffees to get them through their boring, meaningless existence.

The hissyfit broke the “loud enough to wake me up” decibel level, but no one can say for sure what exactly caused the feline altercation because it was too dark and no one wanted to get into their dressing gown, go outside and find out.

However, the general consensus is the battle ensued due to temper tantrums over going into another cat’s patch or a jealous rage between two male cats over a hot feline.

The brutal confrontation lasted more than 30 minutes and was a bloody no holds barred affair involving all the tactics deployed when newly-weds have their first barney. Claws were bared, there was biting and general below the belt rough and tumble.


A party quickly got out of hand in the quiet environs of Fairholm Grove and led to a call being made to the local police. Upset that they were interrupted from their nightly game of tiddly-winks and intense tea making, law enforcement nonetheless turned up and quickly made their presence known.

Flashing their blue sparkly lights and arriving in fitting uniforms the officers used their considerable experience in dealing with one of the most unpredictable dangerous creatures known to man: the drunken Australian.

“You never know what they are going to do next, coming into a house party situation such as this where everybody has a beer in their hand you really need to have your wits about you,” explained officer Pembury. “This was a particularly difficult intervention because when we arrived Thunderstruck by AC/DC was playing. The way a drunk Aussie can react during this song makes the football hooliganism seen during the Euro 2016 football tournament seem like a pillow fight at a pyjama party.”

Local residents are shocked that people actually wanted to have a party on their street, “ I haven’t seen anything like it since the barbeque incident of ‘86, if they want to behave like they can bugger off to Dandenong. In my day…” remarked a concerned neighbour before being wheeled off by his carer.

Unfortunately BurkeMan Camberwell’s local superhero was nowhere to be seen but left this message on The Camberwellian’s answer machine.

“Ummm….Hi there, BurkeMan here. I wasn’t in Fairholm Grove to fight crime that night cos’ I had a bit of a flu’ with all this cold weather. But I’ve got the Lemsip out now and should be right as rain in a couple of days.”  


A pensioner on a mobility scooter ran over a slug, highlighting the increase of dangerous driving in Camberwell. Nobody knows the exact time the hit and run occurred and it is unlikely forensic scientists are willing to use their considerable resources to bring the criminal to justice a la CSI. However, wheel marks before and after the crime scene are a telltale sign that the geriatric hoon made no attempt to brake before the crime was committed.

“Sometimes it is difficult to see the little buggers crossing over paths when it gets dark,” said a fellow mobile scooter rider who belongs to a Specsavers loyalty scheme.

Unfortunately the family of the deceased is unable to be contacted as nobody knows where they live. There was no identification on the victim and due to the total obliteration of the body; not even dental records can be used to find out his name or what rock he crawled out underneath from.

Two young scallywags who didn’t have enough money on their Myki cards had the b’jesus scared out of them when a group of ticket officers got on their carriage. To make matters worse their mucky feet were on the seats in front of them. Using puppy dog eyes and whiney apologies in an attempt to get out of paying their debt to society, the two officers actually doing some work remained unmoved, while the others stood round like the wankers they are and twiddled their thumbs.

When asked the reason why he put his feet on the seat, the male offender replied, “I have a pain in my lower lumbar.” Unfortunately for him, it was clear to the officers and all the passengers eavesdropping that he was talking out of the hole in his backside in a painful attempt to hide his guilt.

The officer meting out the punishment, who possibly had left school without reaching his full academic potential, wrote out two tickets on his dinky little notepad and left the pair to contemplate how to tell their parents they had flushed perfect good booze money down the toilet because of their irresponsible actions.

Young larrikins influenced by hip-hop music and gangster movies from the US are spraying graffiti and turning Camberwell into a scene not far removed from “BOYZ n the HOOD.”

Displaying the artistic ability of a toddler putting their hands in a can of paint, the barely legible scrawlings are infuriating Camberwellians. No sooner are they are removed more goes up in an never ending tit-tat not dissimilar to the Israel/Palestine conflict.

The eyesore carnage is extending to random lamp posts, Camberwell train station and the alleyway between OPSM and Minimax. Middle-class mortgage holders are afraid that if this continues the tone of the area will be lowered and the value of their houses could soon be the same as SUNSHINE – A dystopian outpost where the inhabitants walk around bleary-eyed wondering where the fuck did it all go wrong.

If this happens frustrated 9-5ers believe the hours they spend toiling in boring jobs with comfortable salaries will have been in vain.

In a scourge that threatens to ruin the aesthetic beauty of Camberwell, people are not returning their shopping trolleys and leaving them in suburban streets not far from the shopping district.

It is not known what is causing people to do this but the trend is spreading faster than the Zika virus. Not enough that graffiti artists are turning this area into a ghetto, red plastic and metal trolleys litter the streets making the people who live here scratch their heads and wonder what the world is coming to.

“I always return my trolley,” says Phil, a Palace Hotel regular who regularly walks home in a drunken stupor, “I tripped over one and fell ass over tit.”

Target and Woolworths are the businesses that are suffering the most because they are the only businesses big enough to warrant having trolleys. There is of course, Coles but that is hidden away in The Well a shopping mall that only serves Camberwell’s underclasses.

An inconsiderate bastard who couldn’t be arsed returning his books on time received an unpleasant glare from the local librarian. Obviously a repeat offender, no doubt the thought of getting out of bed and tearing himself away from his Facebook page was too much.

Unaware that many Camberwellians have nothing better to do than reserve library books and complain about the stuff that keeps their dentures in place, the tension around the issue desk was palpable.

The site of a furious librarian is unlikely to strike fear into the hearts of people who borrow books from libraries anytime soon. Recently backchat and questioning librarian’s authority has been happening with frightening regularity. Last week a woman categorically denied that she still had a book and refused to pay her fine. Told in no uncertain terms to write a letter of appeal to the local council, the disgruntled alopecia sufferer left the scene muttering with a pissed off look on her face.

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